Do we have to enjoy the things God desires for us?  I mean, what if what God desires for us isn't what we thought we wanted?  What if His desire for us involves pain, suffering, heartache, or loss?  Do we have to enjoy it?  Does it make us ungrateful if we don't wake up and think, "Yay God!  I can't wait to be in pain again or suffering again today!"  Can we still be madly in love with God and not enjoy what we're going through, even if He ordained it?

Of all the jobs I've had, staying at home is not my favorite.  Please understand, I love Henry with all my being, and I'm so thankful that our finances allow me to stay home.  There is no way I could take Henry to daycare right now and let someone else take care of him.  I love seeing all his "firsts": his first smile, his first wave, his first laugh, the first time he crawled, etc.  I love that he likes me.

But I get tired of doing the dishes, washing the clothes, cleaning the house, changing the dirty diapers, feeding the baby, doing the grocery shopping, fighting with the baby to take his naps....and so on.  It's a never ending cycle.  We have way more dishes to wash now, and Henry doesn't even eat that much yet!  There's always something to do, and there are so many things I never get to.  And I miss the social interaction with other people on a day-to-day basis.  Talking on the phone helps some, but I'm such a social creature!  And I know, I could go places with Henry, but then I screw up his nap schedule, and that just makes more work for me later.  Sometimes I think I'm overly anxious about stuff.

I wish I was one of those moms that just loves staying home and doing all those "wifey" things like keeping up the house and taking care of the kids.  I realize how fortunate I am to be able to stay at home; I just wonder what in the world God is doing with me while I'm here all day.  I know this is what He wants me to be doing, and so I will continue doing it, but part of me wants to say, "God, why?  What are you going to do through me while I'm up to my elbows in dish water and up to my knees in dirty clothes, not to mention the little dude holding onto the backs of my jeans legs while he pulls himself to standing!?"  But I don't want to question God because God knows what He's doing, and it's up to me to trust Him to do His thing in my life.

I'm not looking for any kind of positive reinforcement from this, and I'm not fishing for compliments.  I just want to be totally honest with myself and admit to now always enjoying this phase of my life.  I really figured I would have come to a place where I at least liked being home a lot.  Instead, I have come to a place that is okay with being at home because I know this is what God for me right now.  It's what's best for Henry, too.  I guess that's better than nothing, right?  All I can ask now is for God to help with those pleasant feelings...