God and I spent alot of time hanging out yesterday on the way to my parents' house. I was listening to "Lifesong," the second CD that Casting Crowns released the whole way there, and God was just all over me and the car. It was amazing; I hadn't felt that way in a long time. Having a baby really pulls you away from that daily prayer time and Bible reading unless you make it a huge priority, and I, unfortunately, haven't made it that huge of a priority. I need to get my focus back.
Anyway, there's a song on there called "Stained Glass Masquerade," and it's about the fronts we put up, especially at church, and how the people we sit next to in the pew would react if they knew the "real" us. I wonder about that, too. Our church has some major healing to do, and nobody seems willing to start the healing process. They'd all rather sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened, but it did. If some of those people knew how I really felt, I wonder what they would think of me. I do put up a front at church toward some of those people, and I shouldn't. I should be able to forgive and move on, but part of me doesn't want to. That stubborn, selfish piece of me that's constantly having to die to self in order to please God keeps rearing its ugly head. That part of me wants to throw a two-year-old tantrum, kicking its heels and pounding its fists, but I don't let it. I want to, but I stop myself. I put on that mask, that front, and attempt to be kind to them.
I wonder if that's what God really wants me to do. I shouldn't sin in my anger, but I wonder how I'm supposed to handle this. When I think about how Jesus handled the Pharisees and the nay-sayers about His diety, I wonder how He never had a snide remark, never a comeback; He never even hit the "smite" button to take them off the face of the planet! On a side note, I like to imagine a "smite" button in Heaven that God could press if He really wanted to. But even then, He rarely presses it; He just loves us way too much.
I don't know how Jesus endured what He did on Earth, and it's sad that I can't even act one-fourth as good as He did. And those people did way worse things to Him than anyone has ever done to me! I guess it's a good thing that Jesus doesn't expect me to be perfect; He just expects me to be His. And, that is something that I can do.